Patience is not my Virtue

Just when I think that I've been patient enough another roadblock appears and patience is once again required.  Two months ago Ravi and I went to the appointment that I was dreading most, hand-in-hand, ready for good news or bad news, that would finally bring us some closure. However, the worst happened and we received the bad news that even despite all the hormones and Meds I had received during my IVF cycle my biopsy once again came back abnormal just like during my IUI cycle. I hated crying in the doctor's office, but in that moment my hopes had not just been dashed but obliterated.  Yet somehow in my deepest despair I long to find that closure that we had done all we could medically and we needed to move on, but the emptiness in my chest told me closure would not be coming today.  Just at that moment my diligent and sympathetic doctor  gave us one last hope, through a very experimental treatment of my adenomyosis.  I would need to start myself on birth control and then into weeks receive my first of three Lupron shots to stop my cycles and let my uterus hopefully repair itself or, in other words, get a reboot. Ravi and I left the doctors that day with the thinnest crack of hopeful light piercing the dark black clouds of bad news.  After praying and discussing this new option we came to the conclusion that we should try this last treatment to find the closure we would need if IVF is in fact not an option.

 Just a week ago I received my second shot and all I have received so far have been horrible, intense hot flashes and a cycle that has gone on over three weeks.  After multiple phone calls to my doctor and seeing them face-to-face on this last Lupron shot visit I have been counseled time in again to let things take their course and "be patient". Apparently these medical practitioners do not understand that patience is that the NOT my virtue.  With all of the physical side effects, this last treatment has been the biggest roller coaster thus far.  With my hormones off the charts, I have had multiple small breakdowns where I just wanted to throw in the towel and give up .  However, I know to my very core that fear is the opposite of faith. Every time I begin to doubt I remind myself that although infertility has robbed me of time, sanity, money, and control it will not steal my faith. So as miserable, sad, overwhelmed, and powerless I may feel I still cling to my faith that we will get a miracle and that miracle will be our baby!