Imaginary Finish Line

We've all been there...running a race or counting down the minutes on the clock until we leave school or work...feeling like time is standing still when all we want to do is be finished. We want that closure, that ending, so that we can feel completed and move onto other races or activities. This is where I have been for the last five years.  I have endured two different surgeries, four failed IUI procedures, and most recently received the crushing news that I am no longer a candidate for IUI, with the cherry on top that I may not be a candidate for IVF either. Now, I am finally on my last lap of the race, the last hour of the work day, and I feel weakened and tired. All that stands behind me and the finish line is one last test, one last hurdle to jump. 

In the meantime I suffer, I feel sometimes like I can't go on or fight the good fight anymore. The only thing spurring me on is my amazing race partner and my little co-worker. They give me strength and love when my heart feels so fractured. Our whole lives, from the youngest age of verbal communication we resent the word "NO". We pitch tantrums as toddlers, stomp our feet as children, and fall into a pit of teenage angst and despair as teenagers at the mere mention of the word. However, as an adult the word carries just as much weight and punishment. How should you respond as you see every other friend around you keep having baby after baby without ever hearing that horrible two-letter word? Will it ever get easier to see the plethora of baby pictures posted on social media as you heart yearns for that time again? Will you sweet, little miracle child's prayerful cries for a sibling ever stop stinging like lemon juice on a fresh paper cut...so small and uneventful to the untrained fertile eye though deep and painful like a sword plunged into the heart? 

Each day is a struggle and each minute a plea for understanding, peace, and a grateful heart for all that I have in my life. However, I'm staggering toward the finish line nonetheless hoping beyond hope to finish the race on my feet.